The Mood RingWords our grandmothers didn’t have
Ambiguous loss
Grieving someone who is gone and not gone.
What it means
Ambiguous loss is a loss without clear closure. Someone can be physically gone but still present in your mind, like a loved one who is incarcerated, estranged, deported or missing. Or they can be physically here but emotionally gone, like a parent living with dementia, addiction or deep depression.
Because there’s no funeral and no clear ending, people around you may not recognize it as grief at all. That can make it feel lonelier.
What it can look like
- Grieving a parent who is still alive
- Hearing “at least they’re still here” and feeling worse
- Hope and heartbreak showing up on the same day
- Feeling stuck, like you can’t move forward or go back
One thing to try
Try “both/and” instead of “either/or.” Say it out loud: “They are gone, and they are still here.” Holding both can loosen the pressure to pick one.
Where the term comes from
Researcher and family therapist Dr. Pauline Boss named ambiguous loss in the 1970s and spent decades studying it.
Want to check in with yourself right now? Try the 30-second mood check-in.
Related words
This is educational, not a diagnosis or therapy. If you’re struggling, find support here. In crisis in the U.S., call or text 988.
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